Welcome to Drabbledom!
by Kelitzo
Summary: A series of Artemis Fowl drabbles, mostly centering on conversation and characters doing and saying stupid things. 100 to 200 words. Please R
1. Homework

**Disclaimer: **Lack of originality means that I DON'T OWN ARTEMIS FOWL.

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**Homework**

Trouble and Grub were doing their Academy homework together. Trouble was already two thirds of his way through his textbook. Grub was on the first page of his.

'Trouble! I got the question wrong!' whined Grub.

Trouble looked up. 'Let me see it.'

Grub shook his head. 'No! Because I'll have done something stupid and you'll laugh and say I'm stupid, like always.'

'I never say you're stupid, Grub.'

'You just did it then!'

Trouble sighed, and took Grub's book. He stifled a chuckle. 'Um, Grub, I think you're doing the wrong question.'

Grub scowled and snatched his book back.

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Yay, drabbles. Hey, is anyone else wandering why I keep starting new stories but I haven't finished If This Isn't Love and I keep claiming that I need to study?

Good, because I'm wandering that too. Let me know if you figure out why. Oh, and it would be good if you could simultaneously review. And also, if you can do it in less than 150 words, explain to me _in a way I understand_ how water can _possibly_ ionise itself. Thankyou.

Oh, and these should be updated fairly quickly, but probably erratically too.

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	2. Rainforest

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Artemis Fowl. :sigh:

**Inspired by Fifi and Miandre**

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**Rainforest **

Holly walked through the rainforest, smiling at the beauty and tranquillity of the birdsong and the trees. Then she frowned, listening. One of those birds sounded strangely like…

Holly's eyes widened in horror, as she sprinted to the path she'd left Artemis on. The Mud Boy was jumping around in a wild frenzy.

'AAAAH! LEEECHES! LOOK AT THEM! THEY'RE CRAWLING! OH MY GOD, THERE'S THREE OF THEM! THEY'RE BURROWING INTO MY SHOE!' He tore off his shoe and hopped around on one foot, screaming.

Holly rolled her eyes. 'Oh, dear god.' She said dryly, picking the leeches off Artemis' shoe.

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Well, this is kind of silly, isn't it? Thankyou to shiningbright, my only reviewer. But then, I didn't really leave much time between updating...

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	3. Lost

**Disclaimer:** Don't own 'em.

Inspired by Fifi and Lyrewolf

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**Lost**

Foaly looked around the room, from which Artemis had recently vanished, and wailed. 'We've lost Artemis!'  
Holly sighed. 'Well, you're not getting another one.'  
Foaly stuck out his bottom lip. 'But I liked Artemis!'  
Just then, Artemis walked back through the door of the Operations Booth.

'What happened?' he asked.

Foaly jumped up 'ARTEMIS!' he cried. He hugged the genius, then dragged him over in front of Holly.

'Look, I found him,' he announced proudly

Holly didn't even glance up. 'Well don't lose him again. Do you have any idea how much Artemis' cost these days?

Artemis was confused. 'Um…'

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Yay, four in one day!

Oh, and no, I didn't review myself. That was my dear, dear sister. :kills sister:

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	4. Mad Artist

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Holly, Artemis, Butler or Renoir. Renoir owns himself and is DEAD, and all others belong to Eoin Colfer

Inspired by Fifi and Miandre. Mostly Fifi.

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Mad Artist

Artemis was in the middle of forging a famous Renoir when Holly arrived at the Manor.He buzzed her up and greeted her at the studio entrance.

'Hello Holly. Tell me, would you mind if I painted your fingernails white?'

Holly stared at him. 'Err…ok.' She conceded eventually. 'Why not?' She held out her hands.

Artemis beamed, led Holly to a chair, and painted her nails. 'Excellent! Now, can I paint your TEETH?'

Holly jerked back. 'No!'

Luckily, Butler chose that moment to arrive. 'Hello Artemis. Hello Holly.'

Artemis smiled, brandishing his paintbrush. 'Hello Butler. Could I paint your EYELASHES?'

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NB: These are random! Should have said that earlier. If they don't make sense they _probably _aren't supposed to. 

Also, please remember that these are drabbles...they are all exactly 100 words long (excluding title) and yes, 100 words is short. But that's the idea - its a challenge to put a story into such a short space.

Thankyou to all who reviewed! Love you all! (Not literally, but literarily, as Sir Whinge would say.)

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	5. Tchaikovsky

**Disclaimer: **I _still_ do not own Artemis Fowl. :sigh:

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**Tchaikovsky**

Holly was reading one of Artemis' Classical Music Magazines with Juliet.

'Wow,' Holly pointed to an article. 'Did you know that Tchaikovsky died of drinking water? He drank some water that had typhoid in it!'

'Really?' said Juliet interestedly. She snatched the magazine away from Holly and read the article. Holly smiled at her uncharacteristic interest.

**Later on, at dinner **

'Juliet, what's that?' Artemis pointed to the empty glass of water in front of the girl.

'Oh this? Its my water ration for the day.'

Artemis raised an eyebrow. 'But it's empty.'

'No, there's one drop in there. Wouldn't want to die like Tchaikovsky.'

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Eh...

Review?

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	6. Sneaking Suspicions

**Disclaimer: **Artemis Fowl is Copyright (C) Eoin Colfer 2001. I don't own it.

**Inspired by Miandre**

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**Sneaking Suspicions**

Juliet had long suspected Artemis was hiding some secret relationship from her. And she knew that if she was right, there was only one place she would find evidence – on his computer. As such, she devised a cunning plan to procure his PC. Step One: Subtly determining when the laptop would be unguarded.

Juliet approached Artemis carefully. 'Um, Arty…What are you doing tonight?'

'Uh, Sleeping?' came the sardonic reply.

'I see. Will you be using your computer?'

Artemis looked up and raised a sceptical eyebrow at the girl. 'To _sleep_?'

Juliet bit her lip. That didn't quite go to plan…

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Okay, well...just to clarify, Juliet isn't 'with' Artemis or anything, she's just nosy and thinks he should tell her everything. Reviews?

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	7. Toothrest

**Disclaimer:** You know, I've said this so much its starting to lose all meaning:

--I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL--

**Inspired by Angel**

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**Tooth-rest**

Holly removed her cake from the oven. It was perfect, golden-brown and springy. She placed it carefully on a cake-rack.

Ten minutes later, she returned to the kitchen to find a quarter of the cake missing. Glaring around, she saw Mulch sitting on a chair in the corner.

'MULCH! DON'T YOU _DARE_ EAT THAT CAKE!'

Mulch gazed at her, cake crumbs sticking in his beard. 'I'm not eating…' he mumbled guiltily.

'Then what, pray tell, were you doing with that?' asked Holly, pointing to the half-eaten piece of cake in his hand.

'Oh, this? I was…resting my teeth on it…'

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:Is tired: 

Enjoy. Review too, please.


	8. Turnip Head

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it, don't own it, don't own it, STILL don't own it, don't own it, OMG I THINK I - oh, never mind, I don't own it...

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**Turnip-Head**

'Hi Arty,' Holly greeted Artemis. Unfortunately for her, this greeting wasn't taken genially.

'ARTEMIS!' Artemis screamed. It was an uncharacteristically immature display of temper. Taking it personally, Holly screamed back.

'TURNIP-HEAD!' she yelled, straight into Artemis' face.

Artemis looked hurt. 'BUTLER! Holly called me a turnip-head!'

Holly scowled. 'Yeah, well you called me Artemis, and that's MUCH worse.'

'You deserved it!' Artemis retorted 'It's my NAME! Not Art, not Arty! ARTEMIS!'

Holly's hazel eyes narrowed dangerously. 'That's it. I am _so_ breaking your nose for that, _Artemis._'

Artemis smirked. 'Oh, I'm sure you would, Holly. If only you could reach…'

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Yeah,its stilted, I know. But please be nice WHEN you review. Which you WILL do, right NOW. 

Please?


	9. Renaissance

**Disclaimer:** Don't own 'em...still.

**Inspired by Fifi and Aella...and possibly Miandre.**

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**Renaissance**

Juliet was watching Artemis paint a reproduction of The Scream. It was identical to the original, which incidentally was sitting on an easel beside his reproduction.

'I don't know how you can stand this, Artemis,' she said, idly poking at the easel. 'All these artists are so depressed and miserable.'

Artemis considered this for a moment. 'Not all artists,' he said finally. 'The ones in the Renaissance were happy and gay.'

Juliet looked confused for a moment. 'You mean gay as in…cheerful, right?'

Artemis shook his head. 'No, I mean GAY. Think about it. Leonardo da Vinci, Botticelli, Michelangelo, Raphael…'

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No, I have nothing against gay people, just before you ask...Reviews?

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	10. Fate and Fortune

**Disclaimer:** I don't own...erm...that thing. What's it called? You know, the thing with all the stuff. And all the people. And things happened? Yeah, that one. Artemis Fowl. I don't own that.

**Inspired by Mesektet and Rhodos**

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**Fate and Fortune**

'Artemis, Juliet says she wants her CD back.' Holly informed the young genius behind her.

'What's that? Juliet doesn't want her CD back? OK.'

Holly rolled her eyes, and relayed this down the phone to Juliet.

'Artemis, Juliet says…you're a stupid jerk.' Holly told him, grinning slightly.

'What's that? Juliet wants her CD put in the microwave? OK.'

Holly winced at Juliet's reply, suddenly regretting her role in this conversation.

'Artemis, Juliet says…she's going to follow you around singing Sesame Street for the rest of your life.'

Artemis didn't answer. He was in shock at the prospect of his fate.

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Oh, man. I am soooo tired. We had a sleepover last night, and I didn't sleep at all. Gah! It didn't catch up with me until now, and I have to go to work. Life sucks. I'll just have to drink alot of caffeinated drinks, I guess.

Reviews?

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	11. Intervention

**Discliamer:** No, if I owned Arty I would probably have slightly more of a life than I have now.

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**Intervention**

Butler burst intothe study, interruptingArtemis and Holly in the middle of a passionate kiss.

'INTERVENTION!' cried the bodyguard, purposely knocking Artemis' armchair over. Artemis went sprawling across the floor.

'Butler? What on earth – '

Butler shrugged apologetically. 'Manor rules, Artemis. Angeline's orders.' He fastened a highlighted note to the desk, which Artemis read incredulously.

'Arty: Starting now, all kissing of Holly is limited to kissing only. Any kiss shall last no longer than 8.4 seconds.'

'You exceeded the maximum time limit for kissing.' Butler explained, tossing Artemis a stopwatch. 'Here. This will go off when your time is up.'

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This can be a continuation of Hopes and Dreams if you like, or it can just be a drabble by itself. Reviews?

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	12. Teamwork

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Artemis Fowl or any related characters, settings, languages, discourses etc...

**Inspired by Miandre and Rhodos**

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**Teamwork**

'OWWWWW!'

Butler glanced back at his employer. 'Artemis, you have to put ALL of you body in the car before you can shut the door.'

Artemis scowled. 'That's it. You can't make comments like that to me! You're off the team!'

Butler raised an eyebrow at him. 'But I've already been off the team 6 times! How much more off the team can I get?'

Artemis considered for a moment. 'Well...I could get Holly to shoot you…'

'Hey! Leave me out of this!' Holly objected indignantly.

'Anyway, she wouldn't shoot me.' Said Butler confidently.

'Yeah, well…she's off the team too.'

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I am back! Well, I'm back with drabbles, at least. Hi :waves: Please review!

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	13. That's a Wall

**Disclaimer:** ...sigh...Don't own it...

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**That's a Wall**

Artemis stared at his feet. 'My shoes are falling apart from all this walking,' hecomplained atHolly, who was skipping happily through the mall next to him. She clapped her hands gleefully.

'Yay!' she cried.

Artemis frowned at her. 'You're really not listening to me, are you?' he asked.

'Oh, yeah, yeah.' Holly waved him away vaguely, staring in an entirely different direction. 'Hey, Artemis – did Butler just turn into a girl?'

Artemis gazed in the direction Holly was looking, saw no sign of Butler, and stared at the fairy in consternation.

'Um, no, but – Holly, that's a wall!'

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Holly may just be a little tipsy... hmm... 

I may be as well...;)

Jks.

Or am I?

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	14. Framed

**Disclaimer:** They aren't mine.

**Inspired by Pandora and Mesektet**

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**Framed**

The teacher pointed at Artemis' book. 'What's that?' he indicated the words 'Artemis is stupid,' written in Holly's handwriting.

Holly looked shifty. 'Oh, uh…Artemis wrote it...'

This sounded stupid, even to the teacher. 'Why would he write that in his own book?'

Holly thought for a moment. 'To frame me,'

The teacher turned to Artemis and muttered. 'Ok, she has serious problems. I'm don't know what they are, but I know she has them.'

Artemis nodded. 'Yeah. She's a –'

Holly interrupted him indignantly. 'Excuse me? I am still here, you know. You _could_ wait until I can't hear you…'

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Don't ask me why Holly and Artemis are at school together. Just accept that they are. And review!

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	15. Digging

**Disclaimer:** --I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL--

**Inspired by Lola**

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**Digging**

Juliet looked up in disgust as the song on Artemis' CD changed to a mournful Mozart symphony.

'Why are all these songs so boring?' she complained

Holly shrugged. 'Who knows? Artemis, I'm changing the song.'

Artemis started in panic. 'NO! Don't! It's – '

The music jumped to a cutesy pop song.

'Artemis...is this...Nikki Webster?' asked Holly in wicked delight.

'It's for my sister! She likes her...I put it on the CD for her!'

Holly smirked. 'You don't have a sister.'

Artemis blanched even paler than usual. 'No, no, I meant mother!'

Juliet shook her head. 'Keep on digging that hole.'

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Sorry this took so long. School is back, and I'm yet to re-learn Time Management Skills. Refloc - I fully intend to join the Orion Awards, just as soon as I get more than five free minutes on the computer. 

Thanks a heap to Kyasarin-Maarukeehii1 and ShapeShifter for giving me so many reviews (all at once) It's very appreciated.

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	16. The Sneeze

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it, I swear.

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**The Sneeze**

Entering the LEP cafeteria, Holly looked around for a seat. Unfortunately for her, the only seat left was next to the one person she hated in the entire LEP – Chix Verbil.

Taking the seat with a grimace, Holly turned her back to Chix as pointedly as she could.

'Hi Holly,' Chix grinned.

Holly didn't answer, but that didn't discourage Chix. Mimicking a move he'd once seen in a movie, Chix sneezed into him palm and then subtly looped his arm around Holly's shoulders.

Holly looked down and saw a line of yellow slime there.

Five seconds later, Chix was unconscious.

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Hope you get it...If not, I'll elaborate - Chix was trying to do the yawn-arm move, but didn't quite get it right. :P

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	17. Spontaneous Combustion

**Disclaimer:** I don't own it. Any of it. I might own a liquid nitrogen cooler, but you can't prove it. Neither can I, come to think of it.

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**Spontaneous Combustion**

"FOALY!" yelled Root.

Foaly arrived. Root's intercom exploded.

"Yes?" Foaly asked petulantly. He didn't like broken equipment.

"WHY IS YOUR EQUIPMENT EXPLODING?" Root yelled.

Foaly looked around Root's office and realised it was covered in charred technology.

"Well, my equipment is heat-sensitive –"

"IN GNOMMISH, PONY-BOY!"

"Okay. Your face makes it blow up."

"EXCUSE me?"

"Eh…that didn't come out right. Your…exquisite colouring is responsible."

"WHAT?"

"Er – You need a liquid-nitrogen cooler on your head." Foaly started backing out of the office. Which was lucky, because just then Root's computer exploded.

Foaly winced. Time to go work on a liquid-nitrogen cooler.

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YAY for...well, I'm sure there's something to be grateful for. Please review. I haven't updated this in AGES.

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	18. Love Song

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Holly or Trouble, or even some of the lyrics here.

**Inspired by the Tripod song "Love Song."**

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**Love Song**

Holly was woken at three in the morning by a knock on her front door. Opening the door, she found Trouble posed on one knee with a banjo.

"Trouble?" she asked blearily.

Trouble took this as his cue.

_"Forty years we've known each other noooow,_

_Just two LEP elves in green troouuusers…_

_But now we've grown oooolder,_

_And we're more comfortable in our skiiiiins,_

_All kinds of grown-up feeeeeelings_

_Start slowly creeping iiiin…"_

Holly winced as Trouble hit a ridiculously high note.

_"Maybe the time has come to run awaaaaaaay…"_

Holly slammed the door. She was going back to bed.

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I took the advice/suggestion of extra short. Hope you like it. This is the product of a boring english lesson. :P Please review.

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	19. Girl Power

**Disclaimer:** Ugh, I used all my creativity writing the fic, which is perhaps exactly as it should be. In any case, I don't own any of the characters featured here.

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**Girl Power**

**The Suburbs of Haven:**

Holly was woken by a swear toad sitting on her face.

**The East Bank:**

Walking out of her house, a bucket of rancid goo tipped over Vinyáya's perfect uniform.

**Fowl Manor: **

Juliet opened her tube of mascara. And found it empty.

_Lipstick?_

Useless.

_Eyeliner?_

Gone.

_Blush?_

Empty.

_Nailpolish?_

Vanished. And in its place a single photograph of what looked like a hooker with a beard.

**Heard Around The World:**

**_"MUUULCH!!"_**

**A Cave Somewhere:**

Mulch was at home, starting on a pile of carrots.

When they blew up in his face.

Ridiculously hot and dangerous vegetables exploded everywhere, singeing Mulch's beard and eyebrows and assaulting him painfully.

"Ow!" he groaned.

Then he collapsed.

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And that, my friends, is why you should never mess with girls. :P I didn't count the location things in the word length, by the way. 

Thanks for all your terrific reviews. I really appreciate it.

I still fully intend to do the Artemis and Trouble suggestion, (probably next time) and if anyone else has any other ideas, I'd love to hear them.

And was this a little confusing? I can't be objective about my work, so I NEED you all to tell me.

Geez, my authors note is gonna be longer than the fic, lol.

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	20. Love and War Part I

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own it.

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**Love and War **

**Part I: Confession**

"Holly, there's something I…want to tell you." Trouble said awkwardly, squirming in his seat opposite Holly.

"Uhm…okay, shoot." said Holly.

Trouble looked nervous. He absently picked up Holly's hands and held them, examining her fingers. Holly was puzzled, but waited for him to talk, since she assumed he eventually would.

"It's just…I wanted to tell you…" he took a deep breath, and Holly lost her own breath as Trouble looked her straight in the eye.

"I would do…anything for you, even walk away right now. But…first I need to..."

And Trouble cupped Holly's face in his hands and kissed her.

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K, the whole Artemis-kills-Trouble-while-Trouble-kills-Artemis is now a trilogy!! Yay! 

This way I get to do romance, violence AND comedy!

Please review. Hope you like it. If you're lucky I will put up Part II tonight. If you're really lucky maybe even Part III, but don't count your chickens.

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	21. Love and War Part II

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own it.**

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**Love and War**

**Part II: Cuckold**

"WHAT is going on?" Artemis had inexplicably entered the office. Holly froze. Trouble scowled.

"What do you want, Mud Boy? We're busy."

"Yes, I saw. Making out, as my peers would say. With jackets on."

Trouble flushed an angry red and plucked his jacket subconsciously. "Yeah, so?"

Artemis smirked. "My dear captain, _nobody_ makes out with a jacket on."

"Oh yeah, and how exactly would you know? As if you've ever kissed anything more feminine than a calculator."

"Incorrect, naturally, but at least I am honest with my conquests. Does your Neutrino know it's been cuckolded?"

Trouble snapped.

Artemis ran.

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Hehe, better run fast Artemis. For anyone who didn't know, a cuckold is someone who has been cheated on. But I'm sure you all knew that. 

Hope you likee! If so, please review. If not, please review anyway.

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	22. Love and War Part III

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own it, surprise surprise

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**Love and War**

**Part III: Timeout**

Artemis made it all of five metres before the three-foot elf connected with his legs, knocking him to the ground.

"Take –" **PUNCH** " – that –" P**UNCH** "mudboy!"

"EEEEURGH!!! Butler, help me!" Artemis screamed. Trouble seized Artemis' head and slammed it into the hard concrete floors of the LEP.

Just in time, Artemis seized the discarded shoe of an engrossed LEP agent and shoved it under his forehead.

**SMASH** "Ow!" **SMASH** "Ow!"

Holly looked from one to the other, then used her Neutrino to shoot them both. "Timeout," she muttered, then went back to her office to drink some coffee.

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Hehe, all finished. Interesting little arc here, or something. 

Please review, or I shall never write again!

Jks, I'll write again just to spite you.

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	23. Mathematical Proofs

**Disclaimer:** Do I really have to do this every time? Because I don't think I'm gonna bother from now on. So I guess this is my final disclaimer - I do not claim here, nor in any future chapters, that the characters I write about belong to me. They are the copyrighted property of Eoin Colfer, who is not me.

**Inspired by the poster of mathematical proofs hanging on my door.**

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**Mathematical Proofs **

"No.1," Artemis called from his study. He was checking the demon's math homework.

No.1 walked in. "Yes?"

Artemis held out the homework. "What's this?" he pointed to a loopy symbol next to an equation that read 1 equals 58.

"Oh, that's one of my proofs from Hybras – proof by design. 'If it's not true in today's math, invent a new system in which it is!'"

Artemis raised an eyebrow fractionally. "I see. We don't have that proof here. You'll have to find another one."

"Okay, what about proof by hasty generalization?"

Artemis shook his head.

"Proof by illegibility?"

"No."

"Proof by intimidation?"

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You know what I just realized? The suggestion for the fight over Holly wasn't between Artemis and Trouble at all, it was supposed to be between Trouble and Chix. I apologise profusely to extra short, and I promise that I'll do it sometime in the future. If I forget by chapter thirty and I haven't done it yet, remind me. :D

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	24. Super Wedgie

**Super-wedgie**

Trouble was fixing his hair with an industrial-sized tub of hair gel when Grub entered the bathroom. Or, more specifically, a pair of pants with Grub's head on top.

"Grub?" asked Trouble uncertainly.

"Yes?" came the slightly strained reply.

"Uh…far be it from me to question your intellect, but what are you wearing?"

"It's a protest, Trubs. Against officers like Chix who wear their pants around their ankles."

"I see. So you've decided to wear your pants…around your shoulders?"

"Yes."

"But isn't that uncomfortable?"

There was a pause, in which Grub tried not to sob like a little girl.

"Maybe."

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Thanks for your reviews! Hey, did anyone else notice a serious lag in the email alerts the last couple of days? 

Maybe it was just me.

Thankyou again for all your wonderful reviews, and sorry for not getting to this until so late.

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	25. Perfect Match

**Perfect Match**

"Arty." Angeline peeked into Artemis' study. "Your father wants to see you, dear."

Artemis nodded and followed her out. A mistake, as it turned out, because he left his computer unlocked. And Juliet was in the house. And she was bored.

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"Uh...Artemis?" Butler knocked on Artemis' study door. 

"Come in."

Butler entered. "There's a girl here to see you."

Artemis didn't look up. "Very funny, Butler."

"It's true, sir. Her name's Nicole, from...perfectmatch website."

Artemis was confused. Last he'd checked, Butler didn't have a sense of humour.

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Juliet counted down from ten, waiting for it to click. 

_Three…two…one… _

"JULIET!!"

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Thanks for your reviews, enjoy the fic (I might continue to the date if you tell me you like the idea) and wish me luck with my hundred and one assignments this weekend. 

Ciao!

EDIT: Due to a rather embarassing mistake, this drabble now has 102 words. But hopefully it makes more sense now than it did before.

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	26. Two Hundred Guinea Pigs

Here it is, the long awatied CHIX VS. TROUBLE showdown!!

Sort of.

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**Two Hundred Guinea Pigs**

"She likes ME!" yelled Chix.

"ME!" Trouble yelled back furiously.

"But I have the charisma of a LION!"

"Well I have the sleek physique of a TIGER!"

"Well I have the pent-up lust of a DOLPHIN!"

"Well I have the size-relative strength of a BULL ANT!"

"WELL I HAVE THE SEX-DRIVE OF TWO HUNDRED GUINEA PIGS!"

Silence. Most of Recon was staring shamelessly.

Trouble started to back away. He could see what was coming. Literally.

"Oh really, Chix?"

Chix's normally green skin turned dead white. "She's behind me, isn't she?"

Trouble nodded, but Chix didn't see. He was already unconscious.

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Well, I hope you enjoyed that. That one was the product of a boring Italian lesson. A shout-out goes to Shawn for throwing almost all the paper in his notebook at me while I was writing.

Please review! And I'll post something new on Monday or Tuesday.

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	27. Where Babies Come From

**Where Babies Come From**

**LEP Archives **

**Level 3 Restricted files: Public Enemy #1 **

_Artemis Fowl II _

Most children are around six years of age when they first begin to ask the awkward question their parents either can't or don't want to answer. Of course, Artemis Fowl II was not a normal child. Thus, he was barely three when he had the following conversation with his parents:

Artemis: Mother, where do babies come from?

Angeline: Uh…well, you see, Arty_...(This is hidden dialogue and may only be accessed in Level 4+ archives) _

Artemis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!

Even Artemis Fowl cried when he first discovered the facts of life.

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Hee, my mind is so weird. I hope you like this. It's a little different to the others. 

Enjoy and please review!

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	28. Blackmail Material

**Blackmail Material **

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Chix Verbil was very young when he first attempted his unique form of flirting. This extraordinary ability to irritate the female race beyond all reason was one he managed to perfect over the years, and through thorough research it appears he is singularly talented at it.

This is File #30145-A of the Chix Verbil Blackmail Files, kept under lock and key in Captain Holly Short's filing cabinet.

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It was a slow day at the LEP, and Chix was bored. He decided to leave early for a night on the town. Hopefully he'd meet the future Mrs Verbil. 

He found a bar in that looked promising, and quickly found a seat next to an attractive pixie.

"So…" he began

The pixie looked at him like something sticky on her red stilettos. Chix smiled winningly and moved in for the kill.

"Is there a shuttle port nearby, or is that just my heart taking off?"

It was at this point that Chix became aware of the pepper spray that every girl carries in her purse.

* * *

I have decided to make these 100-200 word drabbles. Because I am lazy. :D It shouldn't make much of a difference anyway, except my job will be easier.

I hope you liked this!! It's inspired partly by Chix and partly by the really annoying guy I sit next to in italian. :P

Please review! Otherwise you will have sworn allegiance to the dark side of the Force!!! .:GASP!:. And we REALLY wouldn't want that. Because then I'd feel all guilty and have to remove myself from in front of my computer to come save you. And you all know how much I hate exercise. Not to mention dirt. So lets just avoid the whole dilemma, and you guys can just review. K thx:P :D XD

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	29. A Ghost From the Past

**A Ghost from the Past**

The Speaker banged his gavel and glowered imperiously at the politicians below him.

"We are currently debating the motion that Artemis Fowl II be admitted to the British Criminals Hall of Fame. "I call the honourable Member for Devon to speak."

The young man rose. "Mr. Speaker, while his achievements are impressive, Artemis Fowl II must never be allowed to represent the British idea of criminality. I call your attention to the year 2000, in which he is recorded as using the word 'lollipops' –"

The gathering erupted into chaos before he could finish. Amidst the giggles of most of the older parliamentarians were the shouted objections of those supporting the motion, and the spasmodic chuckles of almost everyone else. The Speaker started to bang his gavel, then gave in to his own fit of giggles.

"Lollipops!!" he gurgled between wheezing breaths. "Hee hee! Lollies…you get on a stick!! Tee hee! Lollipops!"

Artemis Fowl II, watching from the Gallery, tried to resist the urge to leap off the balcony and strangle every single one of the hysterical politicians. Instead, he turned and left the Chamber with all the dignity he had left. There would be grave punishment for this.

Grave, grave punishment.

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Okay, I think that might have been a little predictable, but I felt bad about being lazy on Thursday, so I had to write SOMEthing. Anyway, I hope you didn't hate it, and I'll try to work extra-hard on something for tomorrow.

Sleep well tonight, boys and girls. (Did that sound as creepy as I think it did? I didn't mean it to sound scary. I just didn't know what to say, lol.)

Anyway, just...have a good day. Or something.

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	30. Cruel and Unusual Punishment

** Cruel and Unusual Punishment **

"Foaly?" Trouble knocked on the door of the centaur's office. There was no answer, but the door swung open slightly. Trouble peeked in. The room was deserted, except for –

"Foaly's computer," Trouble murmured.

Slipping into the office, he shut the door behind him and approached the computer. He glanced at the screen and clicked on Foaly's name. To his immense surprise, it didn't even ask for a password.

But before the computer had even logged in, the computer had taken Trouble's fingerprints and established that he wasn't Foaly. This was bad for Trouble in many, many ways.

A small hatch opened from the ground and a piece of goo attached itself to Trouble's ankle. Several cameras appeared from nowhere, all of them pointed at him. Before the elf could say "that was stupid" the goo had yanked him by the foot straight to the ceiling, where he dangled upside-down for several seconds, feeling rather disoriented. Then the floor below his head flipped around to reveal a television screen, on which _Teletubbies_ was playing continuously.

Trouble was still sobbing two hours later when Foaly went to get him down.

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Enjoy! I wanna go to bed early tonight, 'cos I hardly have any homework. Yay for me!

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your reviews in all the previous chapters too. I am sorry that I haven't really responded to reviews, but I always say "later" and then I never get around to it...

So thankyou now, and sorry again.

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	31. Tis But a Flesh Wound

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own this concept. It probably belongs to whoever wrote Monty Python. I do not own Monty Python.**  
**

**Inspired by "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." **

**Adapted by me. **

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**'Tis But a Flesh Wound **

Holly grunted as she landed a stunning blow in her opponent's stomach. The elf, whose name happened to be Kalanchoe, doubled over as the breath was forced out of his lungs. Holly took advantage of this to handcuff his hands behind his back.

"I win!" she announced proudly.

"You do not!" cried Kalanchoe, and ran to headbutt her. Holly dodged just in time.

"What are you doing?!?" she cried. "I won!"

"It's a minor setback." he said.

"A minor setback?! This is hand-to-hand combat!"

"So?"

"So you don't have any hands! The fight is over."

"Oh, giving up then, are you?"

Kalanchoe aimed another headbutt at Holly's stomach. Holly blocked and backed away.

"What are you going to do, headbutt me into submission?"

"I'm invincible!"

"You're certifiable!"

"Nobody defeats me!"

Holly pressed in a pressure point on Kalanchoe's neck, something she'd learned from Butler.

"I just did." she said. Kalanchoe was almost completely paralysed, but still conscious.

Unfortunately, almost paralysed and still conscious didn't quite cover Kalanchoe's most annoying feature.

"We'll call it a draw then."

* * *

So yeah... I was out of ideas and watching Monty Python and I figured why not? Writer's block sucks. 

Some of you may recognise Kalanchoe from The Eve of Destruction. Yep, same guy. Writer's block strikes again, lol. I couldn't be bothered to make a new character.

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	32. So That's What That's For

**So That's What That's For**

Holly and Chix were doing security rounds in Haven when a piercing scream echoed from a nearby alley. They exchanged a puzzled look walked towards the noise.

When they arrived they found a scared-looking Lili backed against a wall, being menaced by a rogue dwarf who came approximately to her chin. She was whimpering pathetically, for reasons that Holly could not quite comprehend.

Still, a citizen in distress was a citizen in distress, no matter what was distressing them.

Unfortunately, just as Holly was drawing her own Neutrino, the dwarf quietly released a quantity of noxious gas. Silent but violent. Holly gagged and flopped over sideways.

"Don't worry, Lili! I'll save you!" Chix seized his moment. He rushed forward, ready to hit the dwarf with everything he had.

And was thrown against a wall by a torrent of methane.

"Uh…Shouldn't you just wait until Holly's can save me?" Lili glanced at the slightly green Captain.

"Oh, for Frond's sake, Lili, just use your gun!" Holly spat around a slightly singed tongue.

Lili looked at her Neutrino in bafflement, then drew it out of its holster and pulled the trigger uncertainly.

The dwarf collapsed, his beard smoking.

"Cool!" cried Lili delightedly.

Holly rolled her eyes.

* * *

Sorry about this...still, I guess it's better than nothing. 

Oh, I'm BACK from the Land Of No Wireless Internet. (Also known as Niagara Falls)

Which you probably figured out...

So yeah...please enjoy to the greatest extent possible, and REVIEW:D

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	33. How To SO NOT Help

**How To SO NOT Help  
**

Holly was slumped in her swivel chair, spinning in steadily slowing circles. It was a sulk she'd sunk into since a recently-failed mission. Holly couldn't figure out what she did wrong. 

Foaly was trying to cheer her up, but was having about as much success as Mulch had self-control.

"Well, perhaps if you were somewhat more…intelligent." Foaly picked up a mission report that had been soaked with coffee, presumably through use as a coaster. He eyed it suspiciously, then let it fall to the desk in a soggy little pile.

"Intelligent?" Holly snapped out of it enough to give Foaly an incredulous look. "How would that help?"

"Oh, I meant…if you were more clean…" Foaly muttered, not really focused on what he was saying. There seemed to be a new specimen of fungus growing underneath Holly's desk.

"Clean!?"

"No, not that…I just meant that as _I_ never went through something like this, maybe if you were to –"

Holly interrupted. "Are you saying I should be more like you, Foaly?" Foaly nodded with relief, and Holly pretended to think. "I _guess_ I could try that. 'I'm a centaur, I'm obnoxious, I love me!' How was that?"

Foaly scowled.

* * *

Sorry...again. I have a million and one excuses, but mostly I was out of ideas. I figured you'd all prefer that I only write good drabbles when I have an idea rather than sub-standard drabbles because I feel obligated. :D 

So yeah...please review. Give me ideas, if you have them. If you gave me an idea already and I didn't do it yet, sorry and please remind me.

Fill up my inbox with little "Review Alert" messages, please. Pretty please?!?!

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